Blotto
by TinaMustDie
Summary: There were only so many words that could describe Scorpius Malfoy, and sane wasn't one of them.
1. Death Eating Disorders

Title: Blotto  
Author:TinaMustDie

Because you know somebody's gotta wonder.  


* * *

"What would you call a Death Eater with an eating disorder?"

This was what awaited the staff at Hogwarts. Not a miniature Draco Malfoy, not a pampered snot. This.

"Death Nibbler perhaps?"

It was a beautiful night, stars twinkling clearly against the dark sky. Candles floated above the hall, casting a yellow glow on the proceedings below. The ghosts were spread across the room, shimmering in the light. The four house tables, polished and gleaming, held the older students dressed in their crisp, black robes. All was set to awe the brand new first years, waiting to be sorted. Unfortunately, the glamor was lost on them as the slight boy on the stool started talking. An eleven year old Scorpius Malfoy sat in front of the Great Hall,carrying on a conversation about the eating patterns of Death Eaters with the Sorting Hat, like it was something that happened everyday.

"Death Regurgitator?"

Headmaster McGonagall looked like the rest of the hall felt. Bewildered. She couldn't decide if she wanted to laugh, or check the boy into a mental facility.

"I mean, it just seems very ironic."

McGonagall abandoned her inner struggle, focusing all her energy on holding back a snigger.

"No, I see your point. I just think that a more appropriate name would be in order."

The Headmaster was near-tears. Scorpius, oblivious to her predicament, continued his debate with the hat.

"I think Death-rexic sounds a bit too much like dyslexic."

_"Ravenclaw!"_ screamed the hat.

The Ravenclaw table groaned. Loudly.


	2. Onelegged Women and Pervy Doors

Title:One-legged Women and Perverted Doors  
Author:TinaMustDie

Ahh. Took me long enough right? Am such a lazy arse.

In case anyone was confused, in the last chapter, the hat wasn't speaking out loud. That was just Scorpius.

* * *

He almost pities the prefect that has to lead him back to Ravenclaw tower. Almost being the key word. Really, messing with her was just too much fun. Although he did think she looked a bit like she wanted to cry. Especially after that Cockroach Cluster incident. He was pretty sure that one had traumatized at least half of the new first years.

They reached the tower in record time... the longest walk back to a common room. Scorpius just smiles proudly. He's not one to brag, but his contribution was critical to such an achievement. Getting into a fistfight with one of the suits of armor, irritating the stairway till it was more like an amusement park ride than a mode a transportation, and of course, the Cockroach Cluster incident, greatly increased their time. He feels that he should at least get a medal for his effort. And compensation for his shiner. That suit of armor started it, and damn, did it have a mean right hook.

And then it happened.

Miss Prefect, turning to tell them to be careful on the upcoming tower stairs, froze and let out a piteous wail. Scorpius spun around and prepared to be dazzled. He was not disappointed.

There, floating above them was a tiny, smirking man. He let out a gleeful cackle and before anyone had time to blink, attached himself to the head of Miss Prefect, bursting into a vulgar drinking song. Scorpius was awed. Who _was _this glorious creature?

"She only has one leg, but I don't mind!" sang the small man over Miss Prefect's screams.

"Where have you been all my life?" Scorpius cried joyfully amidst the terrified chaos.

* * *

Eventually, another upperclassman had come upon the scene and ran to alert the Bloody Baron. This saddened Scorpius immensely. He hadn't even gotten to talk to the marvelous little poltergeist.

"That horrible thing is a terror to the school!" ranted Miss Prefect, walking them up the staircase, still quite shaken from her experience.

Scorpius snorts. Miss Prefect glares.

"You think something is funny, you little menace?" she hisses.

"Yeah. I'm giggling at the lawsuit I'm gonna slap on you for calling students derogatory names." he explains.

When Miss Prefect turns around, fuming, he knows he's won.

Unfortunately, the other students don't.

"Don't be a jerk!" snipes one girl.

"Don't look both ways before crossing the street. Maybe some flashy sports car will take care of your nagging for me."

The girl looks horrified. Ah, the fruits of snarky Malfoy labor.

* * *

_"What form does a boggart take when alone?" _wheezes the door.

"Probably a very lonely one," answers Scorpius before anyone else has a chance to think about it.

The door giggles before swinging open. He swears he feels it brush his backside as he walks in.

Well at least the door likes him.


	3. Bacon and Jockstraps

Title: Bacon and Jockstraps  
Author: TinaMustDie

I tried to write some of what was requested of me. I thought the suggestions were snazzy. Very groovy of you.

* * *

"Where the hell did you come from?"

Scorpius thought that maybe sleeping under the Ravenclaw table hadn't been such a good idea. The floor of the Great Hall was cold, and waking to a pair of fifth years playing footsie over your face wasn't exactly his cup of tea.

"Well when a man and woman love each other very much, they sometimes..."

"You know very well what I mean!" interrupted the boy. It seemed as though he was quite the prude. Scorpius decided that this was a wonderful opportunity. When life gives you lemons...

"Now, don't be embarrassed," Scorpius said in his most professional voice. "Growing young men like you need to understand these things. It's a confusing time. Hormones raging, getting strange feelings. You might start to notice.."

The snobbish boy grimaced and left the table. Scorpius smiled and slid into his spot. More bacon for him.

* * *

All was going well. There was a heaping plate of bacon to his front, a glaring Miss Prefect to his left, and an attractive seventh year to his right. Life just loved him like that.

And then came the letter. A graceful, black owl landed neatly next to his breakfast, and started nibbling on his bacon. Scorpius snarled. He was so not above bitch slapping an owl. Unfortunately, the return address was familiar. Scorpius was well aware that letters from home were potentially dangerous. Warily, he tore open the envelope.

_Scorpius,_

_Hello son. The Zabini girl has informed us you were placed in Ravenclaw._

**Damn shame he wasn't put in Slytherin. Better than Gryffindor, at least.**

_Anyways, we just wanted to tell you to behave. Please control yourself._

Mom and Dad

Behave? Could these people have completely forgotten what he was like in the day he'd been gone? Obviously, they needed a reminder.

Flipping the paper over, Scorpius wrote a quick reply.

_Dear Father and Stepmother,_

_Piss off._

Hugs and puppies,

Scorpius

It was really a wonder he hadn't been disowned yet.

* * *

Scorpius strolled into his first period class fifteen minutes late. There had been an irresistible distraction in the form of two first years, lost and confused. Scorpius had smiled nicely, and pointed them in the opposite direction of their classroom. Straight to the most unruly staircase in Hogwarts, still agitated from his antics yesterday.

He would burst into giggles, but it would be more annoying if he saved them for the middle of class. You only got one chance to make a bad first impression.

Professor McGonagall was less than thrilled.

"Mr. Malfoy, you're late." she said flatly.

"No, I'm tardy," he corrected.

"What's the difference?" she asked, as he slung his bag onto a seat in the back.

"The terminology."

The professor sighed.

* * *

Detention with Filch was a beautiful thing. The man was actually stupid enough to leave him in a room full of permanent records. He was supposed to be mailing out informational pamphlets to parents. He of course, did no such thing, sending out Howlers instead. Scorpius was sure his new favorite song would be appreciated.

"She only has one leg, but I don't mind..." he hummed softly, while searching for blackmail.

And, Merlin's jockstrap, did he find some.


	4. Blackmailing Authority Figures

Title:How to Win Friends and Blackmail Authority Figures  
Author:TinaMustDie

I have way too much fun writing this.

* * *

Scorpius yawned, comfortably hidden behind an unpopular chair in the Gryffindor common room. He stood, stretching out his arms. The carpet in here was simply divine.

"How did you get in here?"

Scorpius turned to see a tall boy with dreadlocks. Fred Weasley.

"I plead the fifth."

The fat lady outside hadn't been much of a challenge. He was a charming little psycho after all.

"We're in Britain." The older boy reminded him.

"That's nice." Scorpius said, knotting his tie around his head. He had a long day ahead of him, and he needed to look his personal best.

"You're Scorpius aren't you?"

Scorpius let out a long suffering sigh.

"No. I'm his evil twin. People are always confusing us. Very frustrating."

Fred grinned and shook his head.

It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship, the word "beautiful" being open to interpretation.

* * *

Hagrid had never been particularly adept at reading the intentions of the people around him. He was quite bad at it really. This, in Scorpius Malfoy's mind, was a huge opportunity, pun unintended, but still mildly funny.

This was the reasoning that brought young Scorpius to the large pumpkin patch just outside the half-giant's shack.

"What're you doin' thar?" barked a loud voice.

He tried to understand the man. He really did.

"Yer ears not work?"

He regretted not bringing a translator.

"Um, hello," he greeted the large man innocently. "My name is Scorpius. I was just admiring this garden here. Is it yours?"

Oh, he was good.

Hagrid's face softened, and he burst into an excited rant Scorpius struggled to comprehend. He wondered if suggesting speech therapy would be offensive.

* * *

Headmaster McGonagall was enjoying her lunch when a loud knock sounded on her office door. Not bothering to check who it was, only a select few knew how to find the place, she called out, "Come in!"

In sauntered Scorpius Malfoy. McGongall nearly choked on her sandwich.

"What? How did you get up here?"

"You have a little mustard, right there." Malfoy told her, tapping a spot on his cheek.

The boy then had the nerve to take the seat across from her, and set his feet on her desk.

"Mr. Malfoy, my office is not a playground. There are safety precautions and you were not given the password!"

"Actually," the boy drawled, sounding more intimidating than someone with a tie around their head should. "I was given the password by a member of the staff just this afternoon."

McGonagall narrowed her eyes.

"I'm going to fire Hagrid."

Scorpius laughed, eyes lighting up.

"Oh good. You are intelligent, aren't you? That makes this much funnier!"

McGonagall had the feeling she'd sorely underestimated the boy.

That suspicion was confirmed when he brought out the files.

"Oh God." She could feel her face turn white.

Malfoy smirked.

"Yes ma'am?"

* * *

The child was diabolical. Half an hour later the agreements were underway.

"So I get off scot-free for pretty much everything, and your dirty laundry won't get sent to Rita. And don't bother trying to steal that file," Scorpius said, noticing her twitching fingers. "I have copies hidden in places you will never find them."

"You're unbelievable." McGonagall seethed.

"I'm a figment of your imagination." The boy agreed.

McGonagall sighed, wishing she'd shipped him off to Saint Mungo's when she'd had the chance.

* * *

Scorpius was absolutely evil. But he's been raised by Draco Malfoy, he's gonna have some mad manipulation skills. And what did McGonagall do? I know, I know! But if I tell you now, it will ruin future fun.


	5. AA is for Quitters

Title:Alcoholics Anonymous is For Quitters  
Author:TinaMustDie

* * *

Aunt Daphne was a bitch, and she knew it. Didn't really care if you knew it either. Scorpius thinks this is probably why he likes her so much.

He sat at the Hufflepuff table, ignoring the strange looks he was getting. This table had a better view of Headmaster McGonagall, whom he had been staring at until the owl arrived. The twitch developing in her left eye was rather amusing. But right now there were more important things to do than instill a healthy dose of paranoia in the uptight woman. Aunt Daphne was his favorite relative, but she was still a member of his family, and all members of his family were, on principle, fucking insane. He reminded himself to proceed with caution.

_Scorpius Malfoy!_

Scorpius sighed as the Howler started shrieking. Too late.

_How are you dear? I haven't seen you in a long time._

Well this was unexpected.

_You know, you shouldn't write letters while you're drunk. No, you shouldn't. That's why I sent a Howler. Not a letter. Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that I'm kidnapping you on Wednesday. Stay alert._

The Howler burst into flames, scattering ashes all over the tabletop. Scorpius scowled.

"I'm not cleaning that up!"

* * *

Scorpius loved Aunt Daphne. He did not love when his aunt decided to kidnap him in a drunken stupor. She'd done it about six times now. They always ended up in the Leaky Cauldron, so the authorities knew where to find him. You would think she'd wise up and take him somewhere else, but Aunt Daphne was a creature of drunken habit.

It was time to pen a letter.

**Dear Shacklebolt,**

**Hey, how's it going? How are things in the department?**

**I just wrote to tell you that Daphne has decided to kidnap me again. She says Wednesday, but you know her. She gets Wednesday and Friday mixed up when she's sloshed. So I'll see you at the Leaky Cauldron sometime next week.**

**Oh, and you owe me ten galleons. I told you she'd stay sober for three months. Was right. Pay up.**

**Bunnies and Snuggles,**

**Scorpius**

Scorius thought it wise to start making friendships with law enforcement officers. If he was going to get away with stuff, he should at least have a few corrupt officials in place. Just being proactive.

* * *

"So you're telling me I have to let you get away with sending out Howlers with lewd drinking songs to every single parent that has a child in this school instead of informational pamphlets? And if I don't you'll sell those files to Rita Skeeter?"

She was making this more difficult than it had to be.

"I'll also tell Peeves and urge him to invent detailed songs about it. Maybe a snazzy dance number too. We could make it a musical."

McGonagall was fighting the urge to strangle him, if the throbbing vein in her forehead was any indicator.

Scorpius smiled. She just needed to get used to the idea that he was boss.

"I also have a favor to ask," he added nonchalantly.

McGonagall raised her eyebrow.

* * *

Albus was reading quietly when somebody took the seat across from him. He looked up to see Scorpius Malfoy. This, of course, made Albus very nervous. People like Scorpius Malfoy did not just sit down with unremarkable people like himself. People like Scorpius Malfoy plotted schemes with people like Fred. People like Scorpius Malfoy played jokes with people like James. People like Scorpius Malfoy did not take interest in people like Albus. Yes, Al was very nervous indeed.

"So you're Albus Severus Potter,"said the Ravenclaw boy, scrutinizing him. He couldn't help but think that he wasn't going to find what he was looking for.

Suddenly the blond laughed.

"Wow! Your name sucks! Almost more than mine does!"

Scorpius then flashed him a devilish smirk and stood up on his seat.

"Fred Weasley!" He shouted across the hall, hands cupped around his mouth.

Fred, over at the Gryffindor table turned towards them, looking confused.

"Will you marry me?"

The question was met with shocked silence. Scorpius grinned at Fred, and hopped off his seat, strutting his way to the exit.

Albus didn't notice the potion slipped into his drink.

* * *

Am sorry! My computer broke, and I had to nurse it back to health.

Yes, Al is in Slytherin. Because I am a sadist who likes to play God.


	6. Board Games for Bored Lunatics

Title:Board Games For Bored Lunatics  
Author:TinaMustDie

* * *

Fred Weasley woke up with a splitting headache.

This confused him greatly, as the last thing he could remember was falling asleep in the Gryffindor common room. Groaning, Fred pulled himself into a sitting position.

"What the **hell**!"

* * *

Albus Severus Potter rubbed his eyes in a lazy manner. He had been having a wonderful dream about multi-lingual calculators that had a penchant for speaking Spanish and cussing in Chinese. Hmmm. Bi zui he zai cao.

And then he noticed his surroundings. Bolting up, Albus stared at the room with wide eyes.

* * *

Rose Weasley jolted awake, confused. Where was she? Why did her head hurt so much?

Rose, being a logical girl, knew it was better to stay silent and avoid the attention of whoever had brought her here. She still had a chance to escape unnoticed.

So Rose didn't scream when she saw the dead body, no matter how badly she wanted to.

* * *

James Potter cracked one eye open grumpily. He grunted and rolled over. When he didn't feel his bed under him, he knew something was wrong. Springing to his feet, James scanned the room.

Well shit.

* * *

Giovanna Zabini was not happy. Not only was she just startled awake by an unfamiliar cry, but she was also wearing a really tacky red dress and alone in a strange room. Somebody was gonna die.

* * *

Patrick Finnegan was feeling rather drowsy. Something felt off, but Patrick could barely keep himself awake, let alone find out what was going on. So Patrick focused on keeping himself conscious and waited for something to happen.

He didn't have to wait very long.

* * *

Scorpius Malfoy smiled at them all and prepared to make a grand entrance.

* * *

Short, but relevant.


	7. Clueless

Title:Clueless  
Author:TinaMustDie

* * *

**"BANG! BANG! BANG!"**

Really, he couldn't help but giggle. Sure, it wasn't manly, but he'd just snapped a picture of Fred Weasley in a dress. The miniature of the boy would forever be shaking it's tiny fists and scowling. Scorpius started plotting convenient places to put enlarged versions. For now though, he stuck the picture in his pocket and grinned at the real, live, fuming Fred Weasley.

"Scorpius! You'd better hope this glass holds, because if it doesn't, you are going to die!"

Scorpius snorted.

"Relax, Mrs. White," he drawled through the speaker. "Your legs look killer in that outfit. Really compliments your girlish figure."

To this, Fred started hitting the glass barrier harder.

**"BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!"**

The others, drawn out of their rooms by the noise, peeked through the doors to their respective rooms before seeing Fred and, completely forgetting stealth, laughing their asses off. All except Rose. Her somber demeanor didn't surprise Scorpius. He imagined Mr. Boddy was a nasty shock.

The hallway was plain, white, boring. It's only interesting feature was the glass wall seperating a room full of monitors from the rest of it.

Patrick Finnegan stumbled out of his room, looking as though he wasn't sure if he was high or not. His wooziness and the sight of the school's top prankster dressed like a French maid were indicators that he was. Shaking his head, Patrick decided he didn't care if he was awake, dreaming, or tripping on illegal substances. This was damn funny and he didn't want to miss a second.

"All right Weasley, that's enough. I can't find out what the hell I'm doing here if you keep acting like a caveman." came a drawl to match his own. Scorpius narrowed his eyes. Giovanna Zabini. A risk, for sure, but in the end, he hadn't been able to resist.

"Well good morning sunshine. How did you sleep?"

Vanna glared and muttered something about castration. Scorpius smirked.

"Don't give me that look," she hissed. "Why did you bring us here? What are you planning?"

"He's organized a life sized game of Clue."

The party turned to Rose.

"What?" James asked, confused.

"It's a board game. A muggle board game. He's dressed us as the game pieces and set the scene." Rose informed them stonily.

"You little pervert!" shrieked Vanna.

"Slow your roll there paranoid. I had my trusty female sidekick dress you two." said Scorpius appearing utterly nonchalant.

"And what makes you so sure we'll agree to play?"

Scorpius sighed, and produced a manila envelope.

"Because James, I have the detention slips that were supposed to get sent to your parents. Wonder how they ended up hidden in your trunk?"

James reddened and threw him a nasty look.

"Same goes for you Fred, Finnegan."

The two boys reluctantly nodded their assent.

"Well you've got nothing on me! So let me out of here!" Vanna snarled.

"Oh really? Just because the teachers didn't catch you doesn't mean that I didn't." Scorpius threw her a wicked grin and drew out a photo of Zabini taking a piece of paper off a familiar desk.

"You're not too good at Charms, huh?" Scorpius said, voice filled with fake sympathy. "I also have a copy of the test you used those answers on. Perfect score. How suspicious."

Vanna furiously admitted defeat.

"And before you ask Ms. Weasley, I happen to know that you and Albus over there told each other the passwords to your common rooms and occasionally visit one another. A **BIG **no-no."

"But you sneak into other common rooms all the time!" James protested.

"Ah, but I have blackmail to fall back on, and they do not."

The room quieted, the people inside having run out of objections. Scorpius smiled behind his glass wall, giddy with the thrill of a plan succeeding.

"So," he said, clapping his hands together. "The game goes like this..."

* * *

He's devious isn't he?


	8. Don't get too excited

Yes, to the people who have this on story alert, this is just a note from the guilty author.

I feel like a horrid bitch for having to say this, but my computer is broken. And nobody is helping me fix it. It sucks. Really hard. I'm actually using someone else's computer to write this. So please, have some mercy, I'm only human, and a retarded one at that. I'm trying to get it fixed and will update when I have a chance.

Surge protectors people. Get one.

If I had more time I would write out the next chapter, but alas! Tis not my computer and am on time limit. Damn, right?

Just wanted to let you guys know that I haven't abandoned the story and I will be back when technical difficulties are resolved.

So sorry,  
TinaMustDie


	9. Love is In the Air

Muggle games sucked. Big time.

What else sucked? Scorpius Malfoy. Vanna swore that when she was safely out of this she would claw his eyes out. And burn the dress. Patrick Finnegan kept stealing what he believed to be subtle glances at her. Maybe is wasn't so tacky after all. Not that she was into retarded Gryffindors or anything. Just saying.

The whole affair was ridiculous in her opinion, though some of the others seemed to be enjoying themselves. Fred, after calming down, admitted that his outfit was pretty hilarious and threw himself into the game with a relish typically observed in idiots.

"One of us is a murderer," he rasps dramatically. "Perhaps you James?"

James, having a grand old time, replies,"Perhaps, but I must say, we should really take into consideration that there's a Slytherin in our midst."

They cast looks full of mock suspicion in her direction.

"Come on," says Finnegan, apparantly too absorbed in her dress to notice sarcasm. "She's stuck here too."

He grins at her, undoubtably believing his chivalry has her on the verge of swooning into his arms. Vanna raises an eyebrow. He's got a lot to learn.

Turning her attention to James she says, "And your little brother is what? Oh, sorry, I forgot. They created a special house just for him, coincidentally with the same colors and crest as Slytherin."

"Can we just focus on the task at hand and get out of here?" Rose snaps.

She is flushed with aggravation. Vanna, who usually, and without shame, bases most of her judgements on physical appearance, thinks it lends her a glow. She's very pretty when she's frustrated. She snorts. Scorpius probably thinks she's _beautiful_ with the amount of sheer irritation he can inspire.

The boy in question had explained the rules of the game and promptly disappeared, presumably to drown puppies or set things on fire or whatever it was that little bastards like him did.

Vanna had no idea.

* * *

Of course. She so would.

Scorpius was currently being held against his will in the Leaky Cauldron. Aunt Daphne, instead of nabbing him on either Wednesday or Friday as was understood, had ambushed him this lovely Tuesday morning on his way to Charms.

That.

Clever.

Drunken.

Bitch.

He'd bet anything that McGonagall let her into the school just for shits and giggles.

That.

Clever.

Bitter.

Bitch.

Just couldn't accept defeat could she?

"You know, we're the only sane ones in our family," says Daphne, slamming down her shot glass.

"I'm a megalomaniac and you're a raging alcoholic."

"Yeah, but besides that! You know what it is?" she asks, leaning over the table, eyes wide. "It's all the _inbreeding._"

Scorpius, far more aware of his rather sketchy genetics than he'd like to be, decides that he does not wish to hear the story of Great Grandfathers webbed feet. Again.

"Okay, well I need to use the restroom, so..."

"Oh no! I know you!" She says, an accusing finger brandished sloppily in his face. "You're just going to call that horrible, gigantic, mean, beautiful, sexy...You know what? You call that auror honey and get yourself back to school. I'm sure he'll be able to get me home just fine."

Scorpius leaves his aunt with a dreamy expression. Disgusting.

* * *

Scorpius returned to school, and after a threatening suggestion that the _lovely _headmistress never again allow Aunt Daphne onto Hogwarts property, headed back to the Room of Requirement.

Upon his arrival, he found the game completed. James, Fred and Albus were in high spirits and after a playful punch or two, praised him for a much better day than they would've had in class. Rose was tense with supressed fury, lips drawn into a thin line. Handing everyone back their clothes and wands, Scorpius reminded them all that he had blackmail, just in case. They returned to the rooms they had woken up in to change. Curiously enough, as they were leaving Patrick slung an arm around Vanna, and instead of a scathing death threat and a well placed kick, Vanna merely shrugged off the offending appendage and tossed a haughty look over her shoulder. Scorpius noticed that she didn't walk too fast for Finnegan to catch up.

Having been too caught up in the love life of his victims and the goodbyes of James, Fred and Albus, Scorpius didn't realize that Rose had been the last to leave her room. Turning to retrieve his schoolbag, he was stopped dead in his tracks and knocked to the ground.

By a fist.

And on the other end of that fist? The most beautiful girl he had ever seen.

Rose was glowing with rage, her magically charged aura saturating the area with foreboding vibes.

"How dare you? You know I missed all my favorite classes today?"

She steps over him and throws open the door. Glaring, she says, "You are the BIGGEST prat I have ever met!", before slamming the door.

At that exact moment Scorpius Malfoy falls in love.

* * *

So you definitely wanna punch ME in the face for taking so long huh? Never fear, I am back for sure and have tons of ideas for this story. How did the Room of Requirement work after that fire in DH? Magic motherfuckers.


	10. Thiiiiiiiis Close to a Restraining Order

McGonagall was worried. Very worried.

She'd realized something was wrong when, after waking up one morning, she felt a deep sense of peace and relaxtion. Ignoring how sad it was that a lack of complete and total calamity unnerved her, she pondered over the past week. No emergencies, no urgent business to attend to, not one detention issued. There weren't even any major problems in the wizard community. All in all it had been an exceptional week. And that was the problem. Scorpius Malfoy had not caused any mayhem. Not once.

His first month and a half of schooling had been hell for her. A Prefect had quit in a fit of Scorpius induced hysterics, Peeves seemed to have found his soulmate, and the stairway closest to the Ravenclaw tower had never been the same since his disastrous first night. Not to mention the blackmail and the awkward situation regarding the graffiti that couldn't be removed from the statue on the third floor. Scorpius had been a nightmare from the moment he'd step foot in her school and his sudden disinterest in wreaking havoc troubled her.

Now that she was thinking about it, McGonagall realized that not once in the past week had he given her any cheek in class, snubbed her in the hallways, or barged into her office to demand anything far-fetched or ridiculous. Either he had miraculously developed a conscience, or he was plotting something more devious and insane than ever before. Hoping for the former and fully expecting the latter, McGonagall slipped out of bed and donned her dressing gown. She was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth and if the young Malfoy had decided to behave himself, however temporarily, she was grateful.

And yet...

* * *

"I'm pretty sure I'm dying."

Albus, well versed in drama thanks to his redheaded mother, brother, and sister, did not even look up from his copy of The Quibbler. Needless to say, this annoyed Scorpius greatly because, um, hello? He had an issue here!

"I mean," he continued, throwing his bag onto the Slytherin table and plopping down into the seat across from Albus. "I can't sleep, and my breathing's funny, and my heart is having all sorts of odd palpatations and I'm quite possibly depressed and I can't go to therapy because then they'll lock me up in Saint Mungos when they realize I'm a Malfoy and therefore a psychologist's wet dream and I can't go to therapy even if I wasn't psychotic because therapy is for pansies and I'm a lot of things, but that's not one of them and you're NOT EVEN LISTENING TO ME ARE YOU?"

Albus calmly turns the page of his magazine.

"Breathe," he says. "Eat some breakfast."

Scorpius curses him for being so damn levelheaded and unflappable, but ends up taking some bacon anyways. Not because Albus suggested it. Just because he's hungry. Yeah.

* * *

This was just too much. He'd answered a question. _Politely_.

Instructing the rest of her class to practice the spell she'd just discussed with them, McGonagall marched up to Malfoy's table, which interestingly enough, he shared with a Hufflepuff instead of sitting with a member of his own house, which was normal for the average Hogwarts student. One thing Minerva (secretly) liked about Scorpius was that he did not let typically drawn boundaries stop him. He had friends, admirers and enemies in every house.

"Mr. Malfoy," she said sharply.

With a far away look in his eye he asked, "Yes ma'am?"

Ma'am? This had gone on long enough!

"I would like you to meet me in my office today immediately after classes end."

"Yes ma'am."

* * *

When Scorpius trudged into her office that afternoon, McGonagall was expecting some sort of denial or a witty diatribe.

"Mr. Malfoy, please have a seat."

Strangely, he obeys without setting his feet on her desk, as was customary for him.

"I've noticed that you've been acting rather out of character lately."

Scorpius sighs.

"I'm having a problem."

McGonagall nods in what she hopes is a reassuring manner, thinking perhaps family issues have been affecting the boy.

He sighs again, more dramatically.

"A girl problem."

Oh.

Well.

She hadn't seen that one coming.

* * *

In the two weeks after suffering a split lip at the hands of his future wife, Scorpius makes his interest known on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. He asks Rose out fourteen times, compliments her forty three times, and proposes a grand total of nineteen times. He buys five boquets, three boxes of chocolate, and decorates her dormitory with streamers and balloons in her favorite color (yellow). He makes twenty eight innuendos (which at eleven years old he has no business knowing), and declares his undying love an astounding sixty one times.

Rose accuses him of being a stalker and goes out of her way to avoid him. He had been depressed ever since.

"Stalker! Me!" Scorpius vents to McGonagall, the only person who has voluntarily deigned to listen to his complaints. "Like I could ever be more obsessed with a girl than myself!"

"Well," says, McGonagall, quite frankly perturbed. "You seem to be coming off a little strongly."

He cocks his head to the side, thoughtful expression on his face.

"Really?" he asks, looking very sweet, very earnest, and very young.

McGonagall's heart melts. She smiles at Scorpius.

"You can't buy love," she tells him.

Looking forlorn, Scorpius lowers his head and sighs.

"And she's not the type to care about my good looks huh?"

Stifling a smile at his, admittedly justified, arrogance, she shakes her head.

"I have to rely on my personality don't I?"

"Yes dear, I think you do."

"Shit."

* * *

Call it unrealistic, but she's a teacher. She's gotta like kids.


	11. All That's Missing is a Lifetime Movie

Saturday afternoon. The birds were chirping, the sun was shining, students were frolicking on the grounds. Twas a beautiful day. Which was why Albus and James could no longer sit back and let their friend act like a lovesick git. It just wasn't good for his reputation.

Trudging their way up the Ravenclaw tower, James loudly expressed his outrage at his friends behavior.

"That Hufflepuff girl rejected me last month but you don't see me blubbering like a girl! I mean, yeah it hurt and she was really pretty and I'm still a little disgruntled and did you see the way she was flirting with that Smith kid? He's a total tosser! I would be much nicer to her. But no, he flips his stupid blond hair out of his eyes and she swoons! It's not my fault that my hair is red. Can I help that it's such an awkward color? No!"

"James," Albus interrupted, sighing with exasperation. "She's a sixth year. You're twelve years old. And we're not here to discuss your love life. We're supposed to be saving Scorpius from himself."

James's shoulders sagged in defeat. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

Albus tosses him a sideways glance and smiles a smile that is equal parts annoyed and amused. "Your hair isn't that red really. More of an auburn. Nowhere near as bad as Molly's."

"Really?" James beams, straightening up.

"Really."

Feeling much better about himself (although, being James, he hadn't actually felt very bad to begin with) James bounded up the stairs two at a time, leaving Albus behind. Albus, knowing that his loudmouth brother would not be able to enter the Ravenclaw common room without him, felt no need to rush and thought that perhaps this would teach James not to be so impatient. He was wrong of course, James resembled his Uncle Ron in the thickness of his skull, but it was amusing all the same to arrive at the top of the stairs calm, cool, and collected to find James red faced and out of breath, arguing with the door.

"Um, no! There was nothing wrong with my answer!"

Albus gently nudged his older brother out of the way and stepped in front of the door.

"Do dementors have souls?"

Albus paused for a moment, looking very thoughtful and deep (James rolled his eyes), and answered, "No, or why would they long for the souls of others?"

"Fair enough," wheezed the door, swinging open. "Enter."

"What did you say?" Albus asked, quirking an eyebrow at James.

James huffed and wouldn't look him in the eye. "Who cares? They're right ruddy bastards."

Albus laughed. James scowled.

* * *

"Oh. My. Rowling."

The state in which they found Scorpius was not pretty.

He was a total disaster.

There was junk food everywhere. Half eaten Cauldron Cakes and Pumpkin Pasties littered the floor. Licorice wands were tossed about hapshazardly and a box of Honeydukes chocolates were spilling out of his schoolbag. A trash bin was full to the brim with used tissues and several trashy romance novels (Albus glared at James when he took interest in one of them, the witch on the cover half dressed and licking her lips). Scorpius's bed, a motley collection of cushions and blankets stolen from various common rooms, was more of a mess than usual. The boy laying on it was more of a mess than usual too. His hair was in complete disarray, his pajamas were ripped up the side, and the bags under his eyes were huge. He was stuffing his face with what looked to be treacle tart and crying. A weepy love song was playing on a small radio in the corner.

Having claimed a section of the Ravenclaw common room all for himself, none of his housemates had noticed how terrible he looked this morning. No one ever went near the billowing curtains seperating his "lair" from the rest of the room unless they were specifically invited, led, or just plain stupid. Seeing as how this was Ravenclaw tower the last situation was not often a problem. Occasionally a naive first year or an arrogant seventh year would attempt to enter his lair, but those times were few and far between. Especially since Samantha Corner had entered with a smirk and returned without her teeth.

The ridiculous love song on the radio had reached it's peak.

"Love is a lie!" Scorpius moaned, and, with a flick of his wand, set the radio on fire.

James swore loudly and rushed to put it out. Albus moved towards the bed and, with a sigh, said, "I'm doing this for your own good."

Scorpius didn't even notice as he was knocked unconscious.

* * *

One very unpleasent way to wake up is to be thrown, naked, into a bubble bath. Yeah I know, sounds like a kick huh? Unfortunately, it doesn't really live up tp the hype, as you immediately start spluttering and usually begin to drown.

Fortunately for our favorite mentally unstable anti-hero, James and Albus were there to make sure that no such thing happened. Levitating Scorpius out of the water James asked, "You okay?"

"Just peachy!" Scorpius snarled. "I fucking love the smell of drowning in the morning!"

"It's the afternoon dipshit."

"Oh pardon me, so sorry for screwing up the time while I'm being murdered!"

"We're not trying to murder you," Albus interjected. "This is for your own good."

"Really? Drowning is good for your health now I suppose? Just looking out for my best interests? And why the FUCK AM I NAKED?"

"Because you're taking a bath?" ventured James.

This was disregarded by Scorpius as he was too busy screaming, "Rape! Raaaaaaape!"

"For the love of Merlin," said James, releasing Scorpius.

He fell back into the water with a loud splash. Emerging a few seconds later spitting water and soap bubbles, he immedately made to leave the tub.

"Oh no you don't!" said James, "You smell dude. How long have you been up there?"

Scorpius mumbled something.

"What was that?"

Scorpius glared and made a rude hand gesture.

"Cause it sounded like you said three days."

"He was missing from class Thursday and Friday," Albus says, ignoring the dirty look Scorpius gives him.

"Dear god man!" shouts James. "Three days? Really Scorpius? That is just all new levels of low."

Scorpius's lips tremble and before you could say, "Wow James, douche move", he had burst into tears.

Giving his brother a stern look, Albus made his way to the edge of the tub and squatted down. "Listen, Scorpius. James didn't mean it like that. We're all worried about you. You're obviously really torn up and we just want to help."

"Help?" sniffles Scorpius, looking up at him. "Really?"

"Um, well, not like..." Albus begins.

"Cause that would be great," Scorpius interrupts, seeming to perk up. "I don't know what to do now, I've tried everything."

Albus, at a loss, looks to James.

Rolling his eyes, James sits down and says, "Sure dude. But we can't guarantee anything."

Scorpius nods, looking happier than he has all week.

"I'll give you one peice of advice right now," drawls James, scrunching his nose. "She's not gonna go for you if you smell like that. If I have to force you to bathe at wandpoint I will."

Scorpius smiles widely, says, "Thanks guys," and promptly pulls them both into the tub. James, pushing his now sopping hair out of his face, swears colorfully while Albus removes his glasses and attempts to clean them. Scorpius calmly begins to bathe.

"That's what you get for coming into my room without permission."

* * *

Anyone catch the Very Potter Sequel reference? Oh and to the reviewers, much love. Silver Sailor Ganymede and Aphrael 08 both asked very good questions, which will be answered in time.


	12. Trouble in Many Forms

Many people wondered why Albus Potter was a Slytherin. He didn't really seem like one. He was unerringly polite and thoughtful. He got perfect grades and was never in trouble. Unless the trouble involved Scorpius Malfoy. In which case the teachers would just pardon him. They were fully aware that when it came to Scorpius nothing _but _trouble followed. Really, why the headmistress didn't just expell him already was beyond them. But while his best friend was the terror of the school, Albus was it's sweetheart. It seemed as though the Sorting Hat had only placed him in Slytherin for his unstoppable ambition. Albus Potter could do no wrong.

Alas! This was not the truth.

James had not seen much of his brother or Malfoy for the past couple of weeks. Albus had been coaching Scorpius on Rose's likes and dislikes. As a result of this and a little "personal reconnaissance", AKA stalking, Scorpius could now recite her academic record, tell you her shoe size, and list her favorite dishes in alphabetical order. From memory. Honestly, it was a little scary, but James was impressed by the lengths Scorpius was willing to go to. He liked the guy and thought he would probably spend a ridiculous amount of time catering to Rose. Anyone who could build a bridge of strudel across the lake AND treat his cousin like a princess (James could see the strudel throne now) was alright in his book.

Unfortunately it did not seem as though Malfoy's desperate efforts were making a change in Rose's opinion of him. She glared daggers everytime she saw him, and forget about conversation. James wished she'd lighten up and give the bloke a chance. Having Scorpius in the family would be great. Kind of like having a second Uncle George.

Rose's scorn, which would have caused a meltdown only weeks prior, seemed only to strengthen Malfoy's resolve to win her over.

Which brings us back to Albus. Just one week before winter holidays, Albus did the most underhanded, sneaky, manipulative thing possible.

He invited Scorpius home. But since the Potter household gathered at the Burrow a week before Christmas, Scorpius was staying there as well. With the rest of the Weasley family. Including Rose.

Upon hearing this plan, James looked up at the mischievious countenance of his younger brother and marveled.

He really was a devious bastard.

* * *

Rose Weasley knew she was in trouble the minute her mother smiled.

Of course, Scorpius at the Burrow seemed like a horrible idea and was bound to warrant chaos, but this? This was different.

Five minutes after stepping off the Hogwarts Express, luggage gathered, everyone located, James introduced Scorpius to the extended Weasley family (except for Percy and his kids, nobody liked them). Rose smirked. This was the reason she hadn't been worried. She was so sure that Scorpius would immediately make a bad impression that she hadn't taken into consideration one little fact. He was always a surprise.

After an awkward pause, Scorpius had grinned at her mother and moved to shake her hand. Reaching out, Scorpius spotted something over her mum's shoulder and scowled. Hermione, curious, turned to see what had caused such a reaction. It was a house elf laboring under a large trunk. A very fat witch was wobbling behind and conversing with her scrawny friend.

"Well, I _could _levitate it, but Tripsy here has been using my discarded silk sheets as clothes. Honestly! Instead of throwing them away she presumes to use them on herself! Snotty little elf."

Scorpius, serious as Rose has ever seen him, turns back to Hermione and looks her in the eye.

"Awful how they're treated isn't it?"

Of course. Of COURSE Scorpius, lover of all things ridiculous, would be a champion of house elf rights.

Hermione, looking delighted, smiles brightly and launches into the long story of her career as a house elf superhero. Scorpius seems utterly absorbed, nodding and agreeing in all the right places. Her father, Rose is glad to see, watches suspiciously as they leave the train station. There is no way Ron will accept Scorpius. Ever. Unless, as they arrive at the Burrow, the subject of quidditch comes up and Scorpius admits that he's a huge Chudley Cannons fan.

"Really?"

The look of shock on her father's face would be comical if her situation weren't so dire.

"Yeah," Scorpius laughs. "Everyone tells me I'm a nutter. I know they haven't got the best record, but they play a great game nonetheless. They have fun with it, you know? Like that game last month where Mackel invented a move and tried it out for the very first time, right in the middle of chasing the snitch. He could've kept chasing that snitch, but he decided to do something brand new instead. That's what I love so much about them. They have spirit. And to me, that's more important than a team with a perfect record and a horde of front-runners."

And so, Ron Weasley, his daughter's ace in the hole, fails her. Babbling excitedly about players and techniques, he falls for the Scorpius charm.

Indeed, he somehow manages to make a favorable impression with every member of her family. He shares an old family recipe with Grandma Molly, explains muggle television networks to Grandpa Arthur, includes Lilly and Hugo in a game of exploding snap, and does not stare at Uncle Harry's scar. He even merits approval from Uncle Percy when, in the middle of a hugely boring diatribe about wand regulations, he asks a question. As no one in the family ever listens to Uncle Percy when he begins to rant, a question is most unexpected and most appreciated. Dropping his haughty demeanor, Percy happily answered and they had an intelligent conversation about underage magic. Auntie Fleur loves him the instant she sets eyes on him and Uncle George, having been regaled with stories of Scorpius from Fred, shepherds him off to the living room to discuss future employment.

Rose was screwed.

If her family loved him and found out about his massive crush on her they would approve, nay, _encourage _his antics.

The thought sent Rose, pouting, to a stool in the corner of the living room . This turned out to be a bad decision however, because her family soon piled onto the couches. Rose had to sit and watch Scorpius fascinate them all. She tried to chalk it up to excellent mainpulation on Malfoy's part, but come on, her mum was supposed to be one of the brightest minds in the wizarding world! It was sickening.

Somewhere between cursing Malfoy's mother and dreaming about gray eyes and wide smiles, Rose fell asleep. She awoke to a rousing chorus of a cheery Christmas carol. Scorpius, on top of everything else having a lovely voice, was singing lead . Disgusted, she left to get some of Grandma Molly's eggnog, as it was her absolute favorite and would work wonders on her mood.

As she entered the kitchen, Rose stopped in her tracks and groaned. The bowl of eggnog was empty. Glancing back to the living room she noticed that everyone had a cup and was sipping away between songs. Having had enough, Rose angrily jammed on her boots and stepped outside.

It was freezing, and she could see her breath, But Rose didn't care. She was pissed. Massively. The stupid git just had to choose today to be likable. Wallowing in misery, Rose hugged her knees and wished someone would come bring her back inside.

After a few minutes, the kitchen door slammed shut and Rose looked up to greet her savior. The smile died on her lips when she saw him. She thinks she should've made her wish a little more specific. Scorpius sits down next to her and passes her a cup. Rose raises her eyebrows.

"What did you put in this?"

Scorpius rolls his eyes. "Poison, obviously."

She stares at him. He stares right back.

Finally he sighs and gives her this look. It is exasperation and apprehension and frustration. But mostly it's just an overwhelming fondness that dulls all those other things.

Rose feels her stomach drop.

"Just drink it," he says softly. And without warning, he leans forward and presses a kiss to her cheek.

"Come back inside soon," he tosses over his shoulder as he opens the kitchen door. "It's cold out here."

Blushing to the roots of her hair, Rose brings the cup to her lips and drinks.

Grandma Molly's eggnog.

Yes. Rose Weasley is in trouble.


End file.
